I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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