If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
