There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
