I don't have enough holes for all these australians
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
