my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
