Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
