I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
