When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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