Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
