If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
