so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
