I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
