Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
