So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
