Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
