yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
