blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
