what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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