I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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