Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
