My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
