i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
