I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
