Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
