It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
