I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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