sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
