Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sext me about skeletons
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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