Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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