I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
