Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
