I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
