literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
