Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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