ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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