I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
