he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Vodka?
Forever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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