But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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