I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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