he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
