I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
