well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
