Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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