he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
