If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
