McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
