Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
