who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
