so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
