Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i drank out of a bidet.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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