If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
